where is my number 1 dammit!

11.15.12... the day my babes turned 11 months old. it has been several days since this event occurred. since then, i have been stuck in my own head. i have been engaging in discourse with my own thoughts.

how is it possible? why is it i can't remember... what it felt like to hold them when they were so small. everything i know of them is a reflection of who and where they are today... maybe yesterday and if i think real hard they day before yesterday.

in a panic of wondering how it is that this is possible i grasped on to simple memory of the night we were all released from the NICU and we could leave the hospital.

i was freaking out on my husband as we made the 20 minute drive home. why aren't they making noise, are they breathing... i cant here them breathing. no don't pull over just get us home, slow down your driving to fast. all while i was attempting to turn my c-section recovering ass around in the seat in an attempt to see an elusive sign that my 4lbs and 5lbs 6 day old babes were alive.

wrapped in that simple memory is the knowing that it was the one and only time in these babes lives i wished they would have screamed and cried on the drive home.

so in my attempt to understand why the past 11 months seem only evidenced in the today i decided to revisit their monthlies i have taken. and in doing so i realized we did not start the monthlies until 2 months. makes no sense, i had been taking weeklies of these two since day 1... and so it is i ponder

why is the act of being a mama so damn elusive...